Battlepanda: A law for Paris


Always trying to figure things out with the minimum of bullshit and the maximum of belligerence.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

A law for Paris

Lets pitch this ad to Karl Rove:
[Fade in from black. Paris Hilton is driving along in a convertable. Music is tinkling and pleasant to begin with, but increasingly dissonant and uncertain.]

Voiceover: Life is good when you're Daddy's little girl. Not a care in the world except for shopping, parties and the wonderful world of home videos. Yet Paris doesn't know that her life is about to be changed...for ever.

[Freeze frame. Fade image from color into black and white. Screen goes dark]

Paris: Daddy's gone? But what am I gonna do?

[Clip from "The Simple Life" showing Paris Hilton ineptly trying to muck out a pigsty or something. I don't know. I've never seen the show.]

Paris: Ow! Ow! I'm stabbing myself in the eye with my own pitchfork! Woe's with me!

[Paris Hilton in a bakery]

Paris: Uh-uh! I just tripped and had your wedding cake fall on my head. See? Everywhere I go, wackiness ensues.

[Paris Hilton in a steel mill]

Paris: You mean I wasn't supposed to turn it all the way up to 11?

[Freeze frame on Paris' puzzled and fearful visage. Cut to a black screen with "This Doesn't Have to Happen" in bold red letters.]

Voiceover: Paris' law. Because poor little rich girls need all the help they can get.