The Horrors of Daytime TV

As I'm visiting Mount Airy and housebound, I flicked on the TV over breakfast and started channel surfing. I saw Martha Stewart and kept her on. Who else is going to teach you how to make heart-shaped potholders and how to stuff a proper cannoli? But as I found out, her daytime chat show is very different from her old show. She had the skateboarding bulldog on, and cooked chili dogs with two twin brothers who play professional football.

Martha, no! Where is your dignity? You kept that even as you got sent down the river. Now you have given it up to try and become the queen of Daytime TV. Don't try to make people like you. Most people will never like you no matter how you strain to be warm and cuddly because you are an ambitious, accomplished woman. Even feminists who think that it's OK to be an ambitious and accomplished woman won't like you because you make your living hawking the trappings of traditional femininity like home dec and cooking. In fact, you take those trappings and take them to a whole new level of unattainable perfection. I guess I like you, but the feminist-craft-maniac population segment is small, and you probably just pissed off most of us when you insisted that french bulldog you got on your show actually said "I love you" when it gave this long, whistling welp. Because most of us are not stupid.

The way to success, is not to pander but to rule with an iron fist over the lifestyle sector like you used to. Before your legal troubles, which scored some sympathy points, how well do you think you would have polled with the American public, Martha? Better than Cheney, perhaps, but probably not by much. No, they do not love you. But they'll come to you when they need a window treatment, because they know you're the best, baby.