Battlepanda: Moog kidnaps Yolanda


Always trying to figure things out with the minimum of bullshit and the maximum of belligerence.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Moog kidnaps Yolanda

(An excerpt from my 5th-grade reading workbook, The Scratch Papers, now out-of-print. Previous excerpts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.)

Moog the Merciless decided to make Howling Jack Wolfbane mad by kidnapping Yolanda Lagoon. He sent his Word-Gobbler's back to the year 1875 to stick all over Yolanda. They put her in Moog's time machine and brought her back to the underground cavern.

"Howling Jack will hear of this and come down to rescue you," Moog said, stroking the keys of the organ. "Then he, too, will be my prisoner."

Yolanda was mad and wished that she was back in the Wild West. After about a week and a half, she was irritated out of her wits by being all stuck up with gum and having to listen to Moog play the organ. Finally she broke down and begged for mercy. "Mercy, Moog," Yolanda said. "I beg you."

"Sure thing, baby," Moog said and struck up a chorus of "Mersey River Waltz."

But at that moment Howling Jack came crashing into the room. Four or six W.G.'s did their best to stick to him, but Howling Jack appeared to be about half-wild. He fought off everyone, unstuck Yolanda handily, and both of them were gone in a flash.

Moog fumed and stalked about his cavern. "Curses," he muttered, "and other things of that sort." He was so mad that he made his W.G.'s listen to him play "Mooglight Zapata," which they hate, twenty-five times in a row.